Opening to vulnerability
Admitting we are struggling is hard as it leaves us feeling quite vulnerable. Few of us feel comfortable being vulnerable as it leaves us with nowhere to hide, and it may not be safe. We want to protect ourselves, and therefore we put on masks, and build walls around ourselves.
I am attracted to vulnerability in others, and yet in myself I am prone to viewing it as weakness, as many do. Research professor Brené Brown, has explored vulnerability for many years. In her famous TED talk The power of vulnerability, Brown talks about her attempt to deconstruct shame and understand why some of her research participants, when asked about connection, focused on betrayal and heartbreak and told stories about disconnection. So she began her work. After concluding that those who felt connected with others felt a sense of worthiness, she divided study participants into those who felt a sense of worthiness, and those who did not.
What Brown found was those who had a sense of worthiness possessed a strong sense of love and belonging. Those who didn’t feel worthy felt they weren’t good enough, therefore didn’t feel worthy of love and connection. And we all want love and connection.
Brown then analysed data from those who did feel worthy. She found that those who felt worthy, and therefore felt a sense of love and belonging, weren’t afraid to show themselves – they were authentic. They had the courage to be imperfect. And these study participants embraced vulnerability. They were willing to say ‘I love you first’, to invest in relationships that may not work, to put themselves out there. They didn’t say that it was comfortable, but they knew it was crucial.
We tend to avoid vulnerability, because we don’t like how it makes us feel. However, if we avoid vulnerability and other hard feelings, we wind up numbing positive feelings such as joy, gratitude, and happiness. It is the good and the bad that collectively make us human. We can’t selectively get rid of emotions we don’t like!
To let ourselves be seen, really seen, does leave us open to hurt, rejection, and pain. But its worth it to walk in authenticity and it is the only way to true mental health.
An important point; being vulnerable and real doesn’t imply that we need to air all of our dirty laundry and mope and whine to anyone who will listen. It merely means showing up and opening up.
Of interest is anxiety can often be mistaken for vulnerability, and vulnerability can spark anxiety. Perhaps if we practise being vulnerable, we will in time become less anxious.
Vulnerability makes us uncomfortable because it leaves us exposed. For our primitive brain being exposed and vulnerable was a death sentence, for us now its freedom. Once we can be courageous enough to be vulnerable (and courage it takes), our personal power goes through the roof, as we gain understanding that external forces no longer exert control over who we can become.
Exercise to do in your own time.
Write down what makes you come alive. To do this you may need to reflect on tasks or events that stretched you beyond your comfort zone.
Reflect on situations where you have felt vulnerable and the outcome. Can you see beauty in being authentic, regardless of the consequences?
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
