We need others 

True success is service to others; as Ram Das, author and spiritual leader once said ‘We are all just walking each other home.’ This is such a beautiful message.

We are all on a path, sometimes we get lost on the way, needing others to guide us gently back on that path. There are no accidents in life, rather everyone who crosses our path does so for a reason- it may only be to help us find clarity or reflect back to us what we do not want.  We need others; we need community.

We gain collective wisdom when we spend time with people and collect new ideas. There is nothing like being accountable to others as motivation for getting things done. Most importantly we are wired to connect.

Aversion to isolation traces back through humanity's evolutionary history, because back then it was a matter of life or death. Loneliness doesn't just make people feel unhappy, it actually makes them feel unsafe both mentally and physically. This powerful evolutionary force bound our ancestors to others for food, shelter and protection. They needed other humans to help them raise their young and carry on their genetic legacy.

Technology

We won’t discuss technology in depth here (we will cover that later) and it’s a double-edged sword, having an important role in modern life, also carrying dangers. When it comes to community and relationships, we need to be cautious. There is some research to suggest technology contributes to the problem of social isolation rather than alleviating it. A study reported from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine in 2017 showed that those who spent more than two hours a day interacting with social media are twice as likely to experience social isolation than those spending less than 30 minutes.

Whether modern access to technology imparts a feeling of social isolation or not is debatable. But, I will slip this in. Our hunter- gatherer wild women were not left waiting while their husband finished reading e-mails before being spoken to. Likewise, wild men did not compete with Instagram for their wife’s attention. And children would get eye contact from their parents, rather than the view of a forehead with eyes scanning back and forward over a screen. Women feeding their infant in the 21st century are more likely to be typing a text message, or scrolling social media posts simultaneously, instead of looking into their child’s eyes. There is more going on than just a breast or bottle in a child’s mouth at feeding time. A level of intimacy and connection that goes both ways is occurring during this time. The repercussions of missing this aspect of maternal bonding may not be apparent for many years to come and manifest as childhood trauma.

We have a deep-rooted desire to be seen and heard by others in our family and community; technology has obstructed meaningful two-way interaction though its propensity to distract us; preventing us from being fully present with others. We have dismantled tribes and clans and replaced them with distant modes of communication where we are associated with an avatar rather than a warm hug.

On the flip side, technology allowed us to see the faces of our friends and family while locked in our homes during recent lockdowns. It grants us access to work meetings and conferences while working remotely. It plays an important role in keeping us connected and is here to stay. For this reason, we must use it wisely and strive to engage in face to face communication also.

Importance of community

We have such a primal urge to be part of something and we form strong attachments to other people. This universal human trait leads us to form groups: from family, tribes, clans, organizations, religious groups, through to nations. Group bonding is intrinsic to our nature and throughout history to be part of a tribe imparts a visceral comfort unlike any other. When social bonds are broken we can suffer immense despair and loneliness, which can manifest as symptoms of depression.

Isn’t it interesting over the globe different cultures use pain adjectives to describe relationship problems; ‘he broke my heart’, ‘he hurt my feelings’, ‘she scarred my soul’?  We state that others, ‘make us to feel pain’ when they socially exclude us, say something unpleasant, or end a relationship. This language originated because throughout human history we were vulnerable to physical pain, and possibly death if excluded from the tribe or clan.

Humans need other humans to survive. To survive attacks from predators, birds fly in flocks, wolves hunt in packs, fish swim in schools, so it makes sense that humans need community. And it hurts when we are excluded.

It hurts because we are connected not separate, and many ancient indigenous cultures knew this. For them, well-being, wealth, and status was measured by how generous you are. Even if you gave all you owned to others, you would be okay because others in your community would take care of you in return. No one was trying to compete, and scarcity was not a mindset; rather, humans imitated nature and in nature symbiosis exists in bucket loads.

Sea anemones and hermit crabs

We need to work together just like a Sea anemones and hermit crab (hear me out  ).

 Sea anemones are marine predators that look a little like coral and they hitchhike across the seabed on the back of hermit crabs. They manage to score a ride and then extend their tentacles to eat the crab’s leftovers. Crabs actively recruit them as passengers. After poking an anemone with its pincers – causing it to release its grip from its current home the crab holds it in place so the anemone can reattach to the crab’s own shell. To say thanks, the sea anemones fend off hungry octopuses and other predators using their barbed tentacles. The crabs return the favour by driving away creatures that would normally love to dine on an anemone, such as starfish and fire worms. We need to work together like this

Now let’s move onto learn about why its so important to connect with nature. Click the button below.

[i] BA Primack, A Shensa, JE Sidani et al. (2017). ‘Social Media Use and Perceived Social Isolation Among Young Adults in the US.’ American Journal of Preventive Medicine. Vol 53 (1) pp 1–8.

[ii] MF Steger,  TB Kashdan (2009). ‘Depression and everyday social activity, belonging, and well-being’. Journal of Counseling Psychology. Vol 56(2) pp 289–300.