An authentic life
“I am tired of hiding, tired of misspent and knotted energies, tired of the hypocrisy, and tired of acting as though I have something to hide.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison
In the amazon forest lives a newly discovered parasitoid wasp that will sting tarantulas and paralyses them. Once the spider is zonked out the wasp will implants its eggs. The spider eventually gets over the violation inflicted and continues on its way, unaware of what is festering inside it. After a short gestation the new wasp will eat the spider from the inside out, the spider will die and the wasp will fly away into freedom. It is eaten from the inside out.
When we push down our truth we are eaten from the inside out just like the spider. The feelings will rise up in monstrous forms, poisoning us and eating away all the love and enthusiasm and passion we have; leaving just a cold empty shell.
I have heard the saying ‘honour your truth’ but didn’t really understand it. What is my truth? I have always done what was expected of me; haven’t we all? We are all pioneers navigating our way through our life but more often than not we get tired, confused and overwhelmed so turn from our path and follow the crowd. I am now starting to understand that there is no other way to live than living a life true to ourselves. If we don’t, resentment, hurt and pain are constant companions. When we abandon ourselves to fit it in to the world rather than honouring our truth we are not living with integrity. Being disunited in what we feel and know inside, and what we say and do on the outside may be common practice, but it’s not how we are meant to live. How can we feel so strongly inside us and yet project another image to the world? Living with integrity is reuniting what we feel and know inside and what we say and do outside.
“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert,
We are ruled by our ego and the image that the ego has of who we should be. For example the ego believes ‘I am a giving person and so asking for someone to do something for me is selfish.’ It has to be me giving all of the time. This perceived idea that we are a good person because we sacrifice time, effort and resources is simply the image our ego has of a good person; it’s not real. Another example and one I am very familiar with is ‘I have to be strong or no one will respect me.’ These are lies which keep us disconnected from our true emotions. We all lie. How many times have you uttered these words.. ‘I’m fine’, ‘really it’s okay’, ‘no you didn’t hurt my feelings,’ ‘I love caring for my family and putting myself last in all that I do,’ ‘No it’s okay I didn’t need any time to myself,’ ‘I’m just tired, that’s all.’
If we keep living according to the image our ego has inflated in our head we will never experience what it means to fully function as a human. And, if we keep trying to convince others that we are something we are not, then we are living a lie.
People pleasing is a common and insidious addiction. You could say it’s an addiction that is rooted in evolution. Back when we were tribal primitive humans we needed to stay part of a group to ensure our survival. If we upset other members of our group we would be kicked out and have to survive alone- not much fun at all to be hanging out alone with all of those sabre tooth tigers! We all want to be accepted and stay in with the crowd, but at what cost. Will our desire to be likeable, safe and comfortable leave us with unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Living on autopilot according to others expectations of who or what we should be is not the life we deserve.
Bronnie Ware author of The Top Five Regrets of the Dying highlights that the number one regret is ‘I wish I ‘d had the courage to live a life more true to myself, not the life others expected of me’. Thats powerful stuff. I don’t want to regret anything in my life. There are a couple of red flags that we may be living according to others expectations such as: you feel resentful on a daily basis; you feel bored and tired; you feel your dreams have just vanished; you feel alone; you are often worried you have upset someone; you are scared to express your feelings openly; and you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore.
I have often based my self worth on the opinions of others, terrified of saying no and drawing boundaries. I didn’t even understand the concept of boundaries. Saying ‘yes’ to others when we really want to say no is one of the most disempowering choices we can make. The more we sacrifice our needs in place of others desires, the more resentful we become. When we are people pleasing we aren’t living authentically.
We are born as our real true self and then we abandon our true selves as we assimilate into families, schools, religions etc. We abandon our individuality to fit in with what is expected of us. As mothers we feel we need to lose ourselves and give up our lives to nurture our children. If we don’t, we are not a good mother. We feel we should just be quiet and be grateful as its our job to sacrifice. But, in doing this we teach our children that they need to bury their hopes and dreams and become a martyr to be good parents themselves.
We should model to others that we are all worthwhile and because life is fragile if we spend it pleasing others we are not living or thriving; only surviving.
Inner conflict is better than outer conflict right? No, it’s really not. When we swallow what we want, or how we feel we are slowly eaten by that wasp.
“But feelings can't be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.”
― Anne Frank,