Be quiet

People want quiet. They want quiet places, quiet children, quiet partners, quiet parents, quiet employees.

Sometimes this suits us as quiet is protection; protection from rejection, scolding, criticism, mock, shame, and hurt. But our mind is not quiet, for it’s filled with the words that often aren’t allowed to leave. The words run around our mind forming sentences that only we can see. We revel in them momentarily but in time these sentences make us feel agitated. We long for relief, but relief only comes if we let the words out, or alternatively squash them down. Allowing those sentences to break free from the confines of our mind and run into the air from our mouths to land on the ears of those they are meant for is bliss. But no one wants those words, they want quiet. So squashing is the only way.

Unfortunately, perhaps due to apparent bipolar disorder, or stunted emotional maturity (yes my therapist suggested this is a thing), or my faulty brain to mouth filter, I often speak before thinking things through.

I understand the concept that thinking is to speaking what cooking is to food. You don’t serve up an uncooked lump of pink flesh in the form of a chicken breast to your family. You need to prepare and cook it through so it is both appealing and benign (won’t send your family rushing to hug the porcelain bowl). I do get it, but I don’t like it. Why do we have to censor our thoughts?

Nice girls don’t argue, don’t use words that may hurt others, don’t raise their voice, don’t say what they mean, don’t say anything mean. Lugging around our suitcase of unsaid thoughts drags us down. We hold our thoughts because we want to be liked, or we want the right outcome so we overthink the word choice and then the message gets diluted so much that its no longer what we meant. We are in an acceptance race, where all it takes is one little wobble and we are disqualified.

I just don’t want to live like that; I want to share my honest truth.

Throughout history we were punished and humiliated for talking too much. We were labelled scolds or gossips and considered troublesome and angry; breaching the peace. In 1907 Henry James warns that American women will turn the English language into a ‘generalised mumble or jumble, a tongueless slobber or snarl or whine,’ like ‘the moo of a cow, the bray of the ass, and the bark of the dog.’ WTF. Is it any wonder we are scared to speak.

My daughter bought me a voucher to her energy healer kinesiologist. Yes its sounds woo woo right? Stay with me.

I had been having jaw pain for the last couple of years. I put it down to teeth grinding at night and mentioned it to the kinesiologist in hope that perhaps some of her magic would stop it hurting. It had become such a problem that I was constantly massaging my jaw and contorting my face into ludicrous expression to ease the pain. She asked me ‘hows your marriage?’ I didn’t understand why she was asking but tears welled in my eyes. ‘We constantly fight and I feel that every time I speak we wind up arguing’ I sobbed. She then asked ‘Do you feel you can speak freely, or do you feel you need to censor everything?’ I answered that I felt I was walking on eggshells and couldn’t speak my mind or I would say something that was perceived as whiney, complaining, or negative. She replied ‘ Thats why you feel pain in your jaw’.

I couldn’t express myself without fear of causing friction in my relationship and so I was repressing my emotions. This was manifesting in my body… who would have thought that was possible! This is important as if something like repressed emotions can manifest as a sore jaw then what else may be going on in our body?

We should never feel that we don’t have the right to a voice. Even if it upsets someone else; someone we love or someone we care about.

Women often fear we will appear aggressive when speaking up. We are told that women should be sweet and silent, and not be too loud and shrill. Women apologise more than men and are less assertive in most situations. We try to minimise the importance of what we say to remain humble. Being a woman and sharing our truth is hard, there will always be criticism and it can feel brutal. But it’s important. Every man, woman and child needs to have a voice. We can’t keep squashing unpleasant things down like a beach ball in a pool as it will just keep on rising to the top again. We push our feelings down because we’re told as kids it’s wrong to express anger, rage, sadness, frustration or the like. So we push it all down, until it all pops back up again. Our emotions serve to protect us in many cases. Our anger can alert others to back off and leave us be. Our sadness can alert us to the fact that something is amiss and action needs to be taken to right a situation. We can’t ignore our feelings and we need to express them.

Don’t be quiet.